I’m completely broken – but I know the one who restores. It feels as if my heart is shattered and is just tiny pieces on the floor.
Last night my water broke. The last thing keeping Quinn earth side, and me uninfected. I’m truly at a loss for words. Quinn will really be here soon. I’ll get to hold him, and examine every tiny piece of his perfectly formed body. I have a feeling that he will look just like his daddy – just like Kenzi does – the Colwick “Viking” genes have proven to run strong.
For now, please continue to lift us up in your prayers. Pray for peace that only Christ can provide. That my heart, what’s left of it, will still yearn to know him more and find him in this time of utter darkness.
Much stronger women than me have walked this path already, and unfortunately many more will still. For now we wait. We wait to meet our son and for his Heavenly Father to take him home to be with him.
Today marks day six in the hospital – technically day 5 – if you don’t count Friday. On Tuesday little Quinn turned 16 weeks old. On January 31st Quinn will be 22 weeks old and have a 10% chance at life outside my womb – but at least there will be a chance. The next milestone after 22 weeks is 26 weeks (February 28th). At 26 weeks his chances of survival jump to around 80%.
It’s hard for me to lay here thinking of these dates – the doctors only gave us hours on Friday and yet God has sustained us. He’s given us 5 extra days together, which I am so thankful for. Every morning I wake up, still pregnant, I thank God for the miracle he performed the night before – and every night I close my eyes to fall asleep I praise him for the miracle he gave me that day. The miracle of life – of Quinn’s life – strong and growing inside of me.
At any moment that could all change. I could cough too strong, could sneeze too big, and he could be here. Here too soon, and then gone.
The days are a constant battle between hope and despair. At times I feel completely secure in God’s hands and then suddenly my mind is spiraling out of control – focusing on the negative. Repeating what the doctors have said over and over again.
But then I’m reminded of who the ultimate physician is – and that he’s bigger than my current situation. That he knew, as he knit me together in my mothers womb, what my life would look like. That I would give birth to a beautiful daughter, and then loose two precious ones right at 7 weeks each.
My mind can only comprehend my story up until now, and it’s scary trying to fill in the blanks – and utterly useless because I can’t. Only God can. Only he can provide. Only he can sustain this beautiful life – my son – Quinn Alan.
And even if he doesn’t, he is good. I’m prayerfully working on replacing my “what ifs” with “even if”. What if Quinn is born too soon? What if I get an infection? What if my water breaks? These suddenly become – EVEN IF Quinn is born too soon – EVEN IF I get an infection – EVEN IF my water breaks – God is good, and he provides.
One amazing thing that hospital bed rest has given me is time. Time to get reacquainted with God. To talk with him in a way I never have before. To pray without ceasing was something I never knew prior to this time in my life. Every roll in the bed that I make, every time I wake up at night, every weird feeling I feel – I talk with him. And it brings me such peace.
Please continue to pray for Quinn, me, my family, the hospital staff and my doctors. That Quinn will stay in my tummy and grow – that I won’t deliver him too soon or develop further complications – that my family will find peace and rest as they work tirelessly to take care of us – that the hospital staff and doctors will have their hands guided by Christ.
Here I am, on bed rest – fully by the grace of God – after what I thought was a rocky pregnancy for the first 15 weeks. Since I found out I was pregnant I have been bleeding, just brown spots at first which at 12 weeks turned into massive cramping and bright red blood – leading to several unexpected ER visits and still no answers.
At the second ER visit they discovered that I had what is called a subchorionic hematoma – and probably a hemorrhage causing the bleeding but they couldn’t find the source of it. I was placed on bed rest with check ins to see a specialist to monitor my pregnancy. On Friday the 16th at fifteen weeks pregnant I started bleeding a lot heavier than usual. It is so difficult to tell when something is actually wrong when you are constantly bleeding! But something told me this was different. Although we had already seen the doctor on Wednesday of that week I called and got in on the schedule for the same day. At 1:30 we went in to check on Quinn and by 3 we were checked into the hospital.
My maternal fetal medicine specialist told me that I had no cervix left and was 1cm dilated. There was nothing she could do. We would be meeting our little son Quinn Alan that weekend.
After we checked into the hospital I was placed in a labor and delivery room and began the fearful waiting stage. The nurses hooked me up to antibiotics and an IV, and placed me in a position called Trendelenburg position. (A position where my feet are higher than my head, thus relieving some pressure off my cervix – also called t-position. We survived the first night, and then the next day, and then the weekend. Soon we were able to see the specialist again on Monday so they could reassess and see if the original diagnosis was incorrect. Unfortunately (and fortunately) nothing had changed. Quinn was still strong and growing – his little head was still in my birth canal and by all worldly explainations he shouldn’t have been still alive. But there he was – my precious baby boy – kicking and moving around on the ultrasound. Blissfully unaware how close he is to the outside world.
Throughout this weekend we have had so many amazing prayer warriors lifting us up in prayer – praying for something that only the master physician- Jesus Christ – can provide. A true miracle. Just within these past few days my relationship with Christ has grown immensely. The doctors have given him no chance of surviving. No chance of making it until 22 weeks where he at least has a chance at life. There’s nothing they can do.
So now, we wait. We pray. We place everything in his hands – but really it’s been there all along. If everything doesn’t work out the way we want it to – if we do lose him – God is still good. Although I know I’ll have to remind myself, and have others praying that for me constantly.
Since I am on complete bed rest, upside down for hopefully the next few months I wanted to share my journey with you all – in hopes that it will uplift and encourage, even if Quinn doesn’t make it to my arms in the end.
Even if we have only been given this past weekend with him – it’s more time than I had before to sing to him, to feel him kick and flutter around in my tummy and for us to love on him while he is still here.
How far along? 39 Weeks Total weight gain/loss: 27 lbs. Maternity clothes? Lately – I’ve been living in leggings! Stretch marks?Bio-oil and Mother’s Special Blend All Natural Skin Toning Oil has been awesome. Sleep: So… tired… Best moment this week: Today! I get to meet my baby girl. 🙂 Have you told family and friends: Yep Miss Anything? I’m too excited to miss anything! Movement: Yes! She’s a strong little one. Food cravings: Bubble tea Anything making you queasy or sick: Meat. Icky stuff. Have you started to show yet: That would be a yes. 🙂 Gender prediction: Little girl Labor Signs: No Belly Button in or out? I guess you can say it’s an outie now? It’s as far out as I think it can go… it looks sort of like a donut, haha! Wedding rings on or off? Off for today – my hands got super swollen last night! Happy or Moody most of the time: Happy! Weekly Wisdom: I’ve honestly got nada – I’m just too excited about baby Kenzi to even think! Looking forward to: Meeting Baby Kenzi today!! It’s her Birthday! 🙂
How far along? 38 Weeks, 2 Days Total weight gain/loss: 26 lbs. Maternity clothes? Lately – I’ve been living in leggings! Stretch marks?Bio-oil and Mother’s Special Blend All Natural Skin Toning Oil has been awesome, but I finally have my very first stretch mark. 🙁 Oh well, I’ve earned my first stripe – it’s a little one – and completely worth it. 🙂 Sleep: So… tired… Best moment this week: Becoming an auntie!! My sister-in-law gave birth to a BEAUTIFUL baby girl on Earth Day!! She is absolutely perfect. I wish more than anything I could have been there to meet her! Have you told family and friends: Yep Miss Anything? I’ve been super sick this week – so I miss being well. It’s hard to remember a time when I could actually breathe and didn’t have a fever. Movement: Yes! She’s a strong little one. Food cravings: Bubble tea + P Anything making you queasy or sick: Meat. Icky stuff. Have you started to show yet: That would be a yes. 🙂 Gender prediction: Little girl Labor Signs: No Belly Button in or out? I guess you can say it’s an outie now? It’s as far out as I think it can go… it looks sort of like a donut, haha! Wedding rings on or off? Off for today – my hands got super swollen last night! Happy or Moody most of the time: Happy! Weekly Wisdom: Stay away from anyone who is sneezing/has a cough. Even if they claim it’s “just allergies”. Bleh. Looking forward to: Meeting Baby Kenzi!!
How far along? 37 Weeks, 4 Days Total weight gain/loss: 25 lbs. Maternity clothes? Lately – I’ve been living in leggings! Stretch marks?Bio-oil and Mother’s Special Blend All Natural Skin Toning Oil has been awesome, but I finally have my very first stretch mark. 🙁 Oh well, I’ve earned my first stripe – it’s a little one – and completely worth it. 🙂 Sleep: Ha! I wake up every other hour each night. I’m so exhausted! Best moment this week: Finishing Kenzi’s nursery! 🙂 Have you told family and friends: Yep Miss Anything? Sleeping on my tummy, sleep, being able to sit up instead of roll up out of bed. Movement: Yes! As I sit here and type she has the hiccups. She’s making my computer move! 🙂 Food cravings: Strawberries + greek yogurt – I eat it every morning Anything making you queasy or sick: Meat. Icky stuff. Have you started to show yet: That would be a yes. 🙂 Gender prediction: Little girl Labor Signs: No Belly Button in or out? In… for now. Wedding rings on or off? On Happy or Moody most of the time: Happy! Weekly Wisdom: Baby will come when she wants to. Not a second sooner or later. Looking forward to: Becoming a mother!